It’s been a long time coming… a new post, a new look on things, new thoughts and new ideas… well, you’ll at least get the post. What is the most important thing that comes with change? I’d think it has to do with going along and taking up the new challenges head held up high… no fear and no doubt.
I can feel it in the air, I can feel it young and strong
Like an intoxicating dare
The truth is, it sounds easy but it is as tricky and headache giving as learning to play chess or poker. What I mean is that no matter how bad you want to take up the dare, there’s always something undefinable and sneaky in the way… of course, I am talking about myself here. This is probably the reason why I take Shadow Play out of context, just like I did with many a song from our favourite poets. Because let’s face it, you are smart enough to figure out the meaning behind the songs… I use Poets of the Fall‘s songs as pep talks myself, and since it’s been a while I’d written and been face to face – or rather ear to ear – with the band, a spurt of the moment post was what I needed before going to the airport for a well-earned vacation.
“For some residue of joy, would you buy that ruthless ploy”
I’ve been looking forward to moving into our new house, and now we have… I’ve been looking forward to earning a living with translations, but I had to give that up… for now… I’ve been looking forward to writing more, got to work on that… I’ve been applying for work over and over, but it seems that what I am doing – or not doing – and the letters I am writing are not good enough… I am not complaining or anything, I am just stating hard-facing facts so that they will not eat me when I am supposed to rest and get back some energy before starting fresh and all over again.
For some residue of joy, Simple pleasures and delights
Would you buy that ruthless ploy, Would you buy that ploy
The “ruthless ploy” here is not the “simple pleasures and delights” that Marko Saaresto is talking about, but rather the old habits, the old routines, the old train of thoughts. I am not saying that I am back to these old shrivelled way of being, I am saying that they are the temptation, the easy way… the resistance to change! This, of course, does not make much sense since I wanted the change first and foremost for our sanity’s sake… What does it say about me? Gosh! I am human… therefore, not perfect! I knew that we all do, so why is it that we are trying to be that which we are obviously not, and never will be? Quite ludicrous if you ask me… Human condition!
And here now comes the sweet caress, unreality to guide us
With a forceful righteousness
Threshold of Tolerance crossed
Do you know how long it’s been since I last cried… these tears of “panic”, “anxiety”, “exhaustion”? I’ll tell you, it’s been a while. I don’t want to stay there and, do not worry, I will not. Rejection is kind of hard to handle, even if I shrug my shoulders for everyone to see, and usually say “oh well, next time!“. There is so much one person can take though… and then, when you realise that you are part of the reason for such rejection and that no matter what you do – or did so far – is not good enough, is average, is shy of the courage your husband praises you about…
Directed by you […]
It’s all what you create
Your shadows will be played
“Mark my words it’s never what you thought”
What happened is that I fell back to this ridiculous thought that I am not good enough, so I hide behind it. The peace that I crave to be myself again is showing itself but stays at arm’s length still unreachable and it hurts. My husband knows that and is pushy, somewhat ruthless, and I have to say, I love him even more for that particular reason. It still hurts… I know what I have to do, but I am not doing it. Why?
So this is what you think you need to play the game
A pretty royal flush of second hand fame
For proof of excellence, for critical acclaim
Aloof preeminence preceding your pen name
Cliches of violence and off mark blame
Some character flaws to masticate the shame
In the light of what I know, and of how I behave, I am convinced that the end of the tunnel is near. I am going to reach it soon and that is all that matters. In the meantime, I am going to rest and recharge my batteries with my family. I am not in a hopeless or negative situation. I don’t need time… at least, not only… I just… well, these are just words, for now, I need to prove and show myself that I have what it takes. A former colleague of mine used to say “Action baby! Action” so that is what I’ll do… no more hiding, no more self-doubt, no more words hanging in the air… but for now, I need to rest.
Marko, thank you for your pep talks… Husband of mine, thank you for loving me the way you do! You’re amazing!
Have a fantastic summer!