Poets of the Fall, My Dark Disquiet – UV

I don’t know about you, but I think a new post is being long overdue… you know how it is though, right?! Life… ? Anyhow, I have been playing Ultraviolet non-stop in my car for the past month or so, I can barely make a playlist that does not contain at the very least eight songs from Ultraviolet, if not all… I do have the album completely stuck under my skin. More importantly, I still love the album ?. Now, I know I have said that Ultraviolet gives me the strength I need to pay it forward and beyond, but at the same time and on a more personal level – personal, meaning yours truly – it raises questions which were buried deep within, and others I had not realised needed asking. So, mixed feelings every time I listen to Ultraviolet… job well done, though not done yet I’m afraid.

For the good week that passed

I’ve had a couple of bad weeks, but I will not dwell on them nor write about them. What I will do is focus on the good one that just passed and hang on to the great feelings that came from it. When I think about that, My Dark Disquiet is playing in my head.  This song makes me incredibly happy. It is an energy-giver, who needs energy drink after that song, right?!

It’s like the “mad man in my head” kind of feeling when I listen to My Dark Disquiet. There is me, the everyday me who is pretty much who I am 99% of the time, and the remaining 1% harbouring the hidden me whom I do not wish to share with the world… I think. So, just like Drama for Life (Clearview), My Dark Disquiet speaks to my 1%. Despite the fact that this shows how much we all go through similar experiences and struggles, I am still amazed at how perfect the timing is. Either Marko is going through something similar in his life, which I kinda doubt very much – he looks way too happy ? yet looks can be deceiving, hmm – or one of his friends is going through it… or he has reached enlightenment and is now all seeing… whatever the reason, it is very cool ?…  jokes aside, it is sometimes a bit spooky the way he puts words together and suddenly I get this “ahah! moment” realising that this is precisely how I feel, how on earth did he know! ?

And here we stand, the sweet arresting duality
© 2018 Poets of the Fall – Ultraviolet, My Dark Disquiet

Hiding behind the words?

I know I am not saying much of what the words mean… it’s more like the way I feel from the overall, however, we’ll see if I can decipher them, or if I’ll chose to remain hidden behind them.

Night, the world, it’s mine, with nobody else out here
It’s time, run wild and royally cavalier
To burn, ignite, I’d do it for so much less
When all is made clear there is nothing else
© 2018 Poets of the Fall – Ultraviolet, My Dark Disquiet

How do you accept a truth about yourself that makes you uncomfortable? or ashamed, because it might hurt your loved ones… I am impulsive or rather, I am an impulsive buyer ? but I am not impulsive in a way that wakes me up at night and makes me want to go have a walk to sort out my thought, or take the car and drive aimlessly for the same purpose of clearing my head. I wish I was though… I wish I still had the drive that made me write every day. The drive that woke me up at night because the words wouldn’t shut up until I put ink to paper. I want that drive back – work in progress I’ve gotta say – but it hurts that it is buried so deep that I barely feel it. Night, my dreams, my world… I rule it all, yet it hurts because these are just dreams and they are still out of reach, although they are crystal clear. This first verse describes so strongly how I feel and almost like I was found out, like you know: “Tada! busted!” it is creepy… ?

So white, so still, so bright, it’s almost too painful now
I’m ready to fight, to run from the light
© 2018 Poets of the Fall – Ultraviolet, My Dark Disquiet

To me this is a very clear way of saying I am ready NOT to give up no matter how much hurt is gonna come with that fight. This is precisely where I am at. The amazing part of it all is that I know all this, but until Marko put these words together and Poets of the Fall played them that way, I had not acknowledged any of it. The intro, with this loop of the same notes on the keyboard (sounding a bit like the intro to the movie Halloween… what are the odds… a movie which title is actually referring to my birthday… not self-centred at all ?) When the guitars start playing I’m like “bring it on” and I must have listened to that song about a hundred times by now, and I am still in awe with it.

Mystery unmasked?

You can be assured of one thing though, I have not figured this song out. Of course, picking words out of context, one may understand whatever one wants. But what is hiding behind My Dark Disquiet? Since English is not my mother tongue, I have to look up the words to make sure I don’t misunderstand… but this is a very poor insurance. There are nuances that might escape me… surely. I looked up disquiet… found a few synonyms such as worry, anxiety, restlessness, fear, trouble… Suddenly the song takes a brand new turn, gets a new dimension to my own darkness. The accuracy to my own disquiet is sharper, though just as blurry. The will to acknowledge what is and call it by its name is strong but still weak; I am ready yet the fear… what is it that I fear? The consequences maybe…

Without names we’re fantasising…
© 2018 Poets of the Fall – Ultraviolet, My Dark Disquiet

Yes… and no… the mystery is not completely unveiled as none of us will ever know what Marko was thinking when he wrote this song. It is not the point though. I finally realised a few new things about yours truly, what I will do with it is of no concern to you, of course.

Will I use it? Will I bury it again? Only time can tell…?

Thanks for reading!

Enjoy the song: My Dark Disquiet… according to me, one of Poets of the Fall best songs ?

Until next time ?