Old habits die hard

I have to admit today I cannot find myself. She is somewhere within but she’s become so good at hiding that she’s probably found new places to do so. As I said before, old habits die hard… It is like I am standing in an empty bubble, opaque and cold, in the middle of nowhere – or maybe it is right in the courtyard I couldn’t tell you see. Adjustment takes time, and time is what I do have. So, tell me, what is wrong with me today? I was after all very cheery and shiny yesterday, what happened between then and now? Maybe it is just the morning frost that won’t even need scraping for warmth has finally arrived. She’ll come around; and yet, I feel that I have to look deeper to find her, so she can be in peace and relax in the sunlight.

This week, I have gone back to work, part-time, and it went really good – although it was a very slow and smooth start. It is a lot of fun to see the familiar faces of those I care about and well, many new faces too actually. Physically, however, it took a lot out of me. I knew it would, of course, I just had no idea how it would transpire. I do now and I guess it is the reason why she’s away. I cannot rush things and I won’t. So, I have created some reminders, visually aesthetic with inspiring words. At the moment, they are all from Poets of the Fall, but who knows, some other act might contribute in the future. I call these reminders “Inspiration Cards” and I’ve got six of them pinned to my wall at work, getting in my face whenever I need them to.

No matter how things are going, my core is where mending is needed. I’ve been tending to it for a while now, but she is a loose part that should not be so. I cannot talk about it because I would not know how to express it; my words might lose their meaning when in the air and I might forget what it is that I need to achieve. Therefore, I write. I’ve got to figure out what it is that puts me in this mood in order to overcome it. The inspiration cards that I have created are nice and warm, but I have not yet created the ones that show the darker thoughts… Well, I have actually created them this morning for this post. Darkness can be inspiring in the sense that I’d acknowledge it to move further within, clearing the bushes on the path to my very core. Peace… I need to make peace with it and use it to my advantage instead of letting it overwhelm me more often than not.  The quote “The face I wear behind my grin” is how I feel right now; what kind of face am I hiding behind the mask? Why am I wearing one? I am doing so good… is it the old habits that I cannot unfasten from my cells?

Some things have remained unsaid, yet, I know they exist; they’re here, at the back of my head. They are waiting patiently, stalking her like a prey. Will I be ready? Will she come out from her hole? Will she do what needs to be done? My head’s swarming with questions that involve the future and that is not where my focus should be or wants to be. I know and feel this, but the questions just keep on coming. Let’s see, my therapist would say: “Take yourself by the hand, and talk to her. Tell her that everything is alright. Tell her that she does not need to worry. Tell her that this is not your concern for now. Tell her that you’ll take care of this when the time comes. Tell her that now is now and that you are together to enjoy the moment.“

I am a “Temple of Thought“, and sometimes it feels like the temple has become too small to host so many of them. The same thoughts that are self-centered and self-absorbed always tend to widen their spectrum towards humanity. If I let them, they’ll take over and eat me up, so I am putting them out here to regain some sense of control.

I’ve come really far and I am proud of myself. I know that she is too and she will at some point come out of hiding. I need her to shine for together we are me. There are no accomplishments that are being undone, it’s just the influence of the outside world after being cooked up in my apartment for seven months that might have slapped me in the face a little more violently than intended. It’s alright, though, because I understand now what has happened since yesterday. It’s alright! I was unconsciously expecting it. Yes, it is alright and I am alright. The bubble is not so opaque or cold anymore… I am okay.