I have been away or rather delayed… or at least my mind has for a bit. You see, I have been struggling with something and not even our favourite Poets could help this time, not at once… tragic, nah, just a tad unexpected that’s all. For a while, I was on my own – not entirely true, for my husband is always there as my rock and my sunshine – and I know why now. It is called denial and I am very good at it indeed. What I have learned though during the past year is to recognise both the signs and the symptoms, and so I did it faster than I would have before. So, why did I pick this particular song, Clevermind? Because there is this phrase that hit me like: “Dude! How many times do they have to sing it? How many times do they have to throw it at you?” and so on… the message cannot be clearer, and I have seen it and acknowledged it but, ignored it by delaying the inevitable.
I told my boss as we were talking on Friday morning, I said: “Time isn’t made for waiting” to which he answered “No, it isn’t indeed!”. It was a small joke which I, of course, kept to myself, as many months ago he made it very clear that he did not appreciate Poets of the Fall… calling them “too pompous for his taste“, so of course, I had to quote them. Besides, this phrase is what got me thinking about my future very deeply these past weeks.
Not on a whim
It is obvious that I won’t base any decision on what a song is saying, that would be rather stupid and completely out of character. I can take a hint though… even if it takes a while for me to decode the message, obviously. I have “learned a thing or two” for sure… I have made good friends, and I have gotten better at some things, and new things that were are now routines. I have turned the situation in my head over and over, and I have tried to compromise, to buy some time… but it would seem that time is not for sale…
N’ I gotta throw my hands up
I can’t go on if I can’t stop
… nor is “time made for waiting“.
You see, I have a strategy very clearly set up in my mind, that much I know. However, every time I try to write it down, my head gets strangely filled with sawdust. Does this mean that my strategy is not good enough? or that it is full of holes? Well, no and no! What is it then? It is about finding the energy to work inside and outside the box. It is about finding the inner-peace to extract every ounce of resources I know I possess. It might sound like I am making excuses, but I am not. It is like being cured but you go on taking the medicine…
Feeling like a fool again
Just need a new direction
A new beginning, a new beginning
I can’t hold back and I can’t hold on
My journey towards recovery is not over yet, but I felt like I was still stuck in limbo… I have been stalling somehow, trying to find my way through the “dead marshes”. It sounds dramatic and not particularly cheerful, but it is what it is. Acknowledging it is yet another step towards the new beginning I am so longing for. I write about what was and how it has influenced me up to this point and I will continue exploring the past for it is how one learns and grows. There is, however, so much I can say at this stage and
Past isn’t worth debating
Somehow, I had to make a decision and things won’t happen on they own accord. I’ve had to think long and hard to realise that I had to take the bull by the horns and jump into the unknown. It is rather scary but it is also very exciting. The past is now a reminder rather than a journey… the flow of time is finally moving towards me rather that from me. I have now only opportunities that are up to me to create and grab. This is what life is all about after all.
So once again, Poets of the Fall have inspired me to better myself and most importantly to courageously move forward. It is what they do, isn’t it? I wonder if they are even aware of it though. I know they are probably many other artists out there with such a power, but Marko‘s lyrics have that undefinable strength. They are contagious and they are making a difference, one person at a time… one heart at a time… and I am one of them.